Okay, this is bullshit...I am gonna type this out cause I need to get this out. I was told by my girlfriend that I can talk about this with her, but every time I try to, She gets annoyed...
So I got home from school a few nights ago after a long ass day, and my girlfriend says she needs to talk to me. So I sit down on the couch with her and I see right away in her eyes that she is about to deliver a painful blow. So preparing for the worst I ask "what is it?". She tells me that our lease for the apartment we live in is up in October, and when we move out, she wants to live on her own. Without me. Without her boyfriend that she has lived with and loved for the past 2 and a half years, not to mention that we have been dating for over 4 years. This isn't even the fucking bullshit part. So first she tells me that it's not me, she just wants to live on her own for a while, to see if she can make it on her own, to have her own freedom, and to live on her own independence before she settles down and marries me. She needs this in order to see if the life with me is the right life for her. So she wants to get an apartment by herself. Live on her own.
I asked her straight forward right away if she was gonna get a roommate because that would defeat the fucking purpose of living alone. So she told me she doesn't want to, but if she can't afford it, she would have to. Ya, whatever. Cutting through the fucking bullshit, this means that she doesn't wanna live with me and she wants to party with her new fuckin friend Jessy now. This is exactly what I thought as soon as she told me that. Low and behold, 2 days later, her and Jessy are getting an apartment together. I guess the independent thing is out the fucking window. What she really meant by independence is, she needs independence from me. No more annoying guy living with her, cleaning up after her, being there for her when she has had a bad day, and all the other boyfriend shit that i've wasted my god damn time doing.
So now, whats to happen with me? I am forced to go back and live by myself at my parents, without anyone. So basically I can go fuck myself. For the first time in a long time, I cried. I am so sad that this girl, after 4 years of loving her, and being with her, doesn't know if she wants to be with me.
The first 3 years we were together, I was almost bugged on a daily basis about getting her an engagement ring so we could get married and have babies and start a life together. I had to drop everything and move in with her, and I did, because I love her. I love this woman more than anything in the whole world.
Now I am lost. I don't know what to do anymore. Suddenly my life is flipped upside down. I got a new job which I thought was gonna be great, but turned out to be murder on my back, making my herniated disc worse. The company found out about my back problems and decided that I was a liability to the company, So they had to let me go. I have no job, I have to move back to my parents house, and I feel like I am alone.
She says she still wants to be with me, but every time I want to talk about us, she gets irritated and we get no where. What if she lives without me and decides that she is better off without me? What if the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with doesn't have the same feelings about me anymore?
So now we are getting ready to move, I have no job still, i'm doing well in school, but I have no self esteem anymore, and it's hard to get motivated to do anything anymore. I am overwhelmed with sadness. What happens when she has her own place with her friend? Will I be allowed over to see her all the time? Or will she be busy? Will I stay the night at all, or will that be intruding? It is gonna be awkward. Our relationship will surely change. And what if she meets someone else, cause I know she is gonna be out partying with her friend. One mistake is all it takes, and thats it for us. I don't want to lose her and I hope she realizes how much she means to me. I have never loved anyone as I love her, and if she decides that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I am gonna die inside. I asked her if she would still move out on her own even if we broke up, even if our relationship depended on it. She said I shouldn't give her an ultimatum and if I did she would still do it. So our relationship doesn't mean what it once did to her.
I'm losing hope, and i'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. But still, I love Nancy so much it hurts. I love everything about her. I love her family, and I was so comfortable with everything about us.
But now everything is different, and i'm uncertain of the future...
it hurts...so bad.
- Music:Megadeth - Elysian Fields